Goal

Alright so I have sucked at posting.  I suck at everything these days.  So I'm going to attempt setting up a new goal for myself.  I haven't been posting because I haven't had much to post, not publicly anyhow.  I came across this 100 day photo challenge and I think it'll be fun.  I haven't decided if I'll post on Facebook too or not.  We'll see.  Here's the list:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and a friend you have been close with for a while.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of a favorite missed memory.
Day 05 - A picture of you and the person you've had the best memories with.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of you and someone you'd be lost without .
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of your favorite sport or favorite athlete.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture of someone that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
Day 31 - A picture of what you wore today.
Day 32 - A picture of what you did today.
Day 33 - A picture of you doing something you love.
Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.
Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.
Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.
Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.
Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.
Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.
Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.
Day 41 - A picture of your pet.
Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.
Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.
Day 45 - A picture of you wished your room looked like.
Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.
Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.
Day 49 - A picture of where you live.
Day 50 - A picture of what you'll be doing tomorrow.
Day 51 - A picture of your dream car.
Day 52 - A picture of your favorite sport.
Day 53 - A picture of someone you think is hot.
Day 54 - A picture of the one thing you would bring if you were stranded on a deserted island.
Day 55 - A picture of the last movie you saw in theaters.
Day 56 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 57 - A picture of your favorite holiday.
Day 58 - A picture of your favorite animal.
Day 59 - A picture of a random item that you own.
Day 60 - A picture of something you’re excited about
Day 61 - School class picture
Day 62 - Last place you traveled to
Day 63 - Sports awards
Day 64 - Favorite childhood book
Day 65 - A picture of you and your bestfriend
Day 66 - A picture in your room
Day 67 - Something Green
Day 68 - A magazine you like
Day 69 - Something Red
Day 70 - Something you borrowed from someone else
Day 71 - A picture of your favorite piece of jewelry
Day 72 - A stuffed animal
Day 73 - Your lunch
Day 74 - Something you found under your bed
Day 75 - You and an old friend
Day 76 - Something that annoys you
Day 77 - The last thing that you bought
Day 78 - Your sunglasses
Day 79 - A ticket from somewhere you've been
Day 80 - Your favorite childhood movie
Day 81 - Something you baked
Day 82 - The most embarrassing thing in your closet
Day 83 - The moon tonight
Day 84 - A place you went today
Day 85 - Something that made you smile today
Day 86 - Something your mom bought you
Day 87 - Something you hold dear to your heart
Day 88 - Your bedroom
Day 89 - What's in your fridge?
Day 90 - Your current school photo
Day 91 - Something blue
Day 92 - Something weird in your house
Day 93 - The view from your bedroom window
Day 94 - What you’re doing right now
Day 95 - Something yellow
Day 96 - Your favorite pair of shorts
Day 97 - Something heart shaped
Day 98 - Your favorite nail polish color
Day 99 - Something that makes you feel accomplished
Day 100 - The final picture of yourself with 15 facts.

Tick Tock

She was a ticking time bomb.  That's what I tell myself more frequently than not.  Somehow that's what makes me feel better, rest more assured.  Still, years later, I wonder what the conversation would have been like had I picked up my phone that day.  What if I had picked up the phone, what if we had talked about what was worth living for, what if I had made more concrete plans to visit her.  But it's naive to think that any of that would have made a difference...because she was a ticking time bomb.  I spent so much of my life waiting for that call.  When Scott left the message for me to call him back, I was so sure that he had some sort of birthday extravaganza planned for her, wanted to get a copy of the tattoo we were suppose to have matching, maybe devise a way for us to see each other for Christmas.  That's another thing that use to erk me, she never got the tattoo we were meant to have together...but that doesn't really matter...she's 6 feet under now.  I'm trying my hardest to let go of the fact that she doesn't have a headstone, it pulls at my heart strings each time I go to leave her red roses.
Reality is that everyone I meet is a ticking time bomb.  Everyone.  Everyone has an expiration date.  I don't look at death the same anymore.  When I contemplate what type of reaction I would have upon hearing of a loved one dieing, I don't imagine it being anything compared to my meltdown over Samm.
Since then there's been a few deaths in the family.  I hate to put it this frankly, but I didn't care.  I don't know if that makes me heartless or realistic.  The only death I can imagine ruining my world the way Samm's death did, would be my son's.  I can't imagine anything worse.
Beside my son's own fate, death doesn't really phase me.  It's inevitable.  Why do we, by we I mean the majority of our society, spend so much time fearing the inevitable. I don't.  You have no control over what happens after, if there's nothing after we die then so what, you won't be around to know any different.  If you get reincarnated then so what, again...zero control over what happens.  I think that's one thing in my life that I've striven towards, letting go of things I have no control over.
I don't think there's anything more selfish than suicide. I understand why Samm did...I get it, I've made peace with it, I'm glad she's not suffering anymore and I only got to be part of her life for a decade.  Only a decade...ha, to think that I'm even old enough that a decade isn't that long.  Anyways, I'm digressing.  Suicide, it's selfish, it only solves that one person's problems and causes them for everyone around them.  Trust me, had I not been pregnant, suicide might have been the ripple effect of Sammantha's death.  She's the only reason I hope there's more than nothing after we die.  I hope there's something beautiful for her, because the life she had wasn't deserved to anyone, especially her.  Who knows, maybe I'm wrong...maybe reincarnation is what put her in that life...I sure hope not.
That's why I have no intentions on settling down with one belief or another, you can't prove that there is a god.  Go ahead and tell me "prove that there isn't a God" and I'll tell you "prove that there aren't pink elephants with polkadots," neither of those are proveable.  "That's what faith is" they say...so faith is believing in something that can't be proven...alright, I get it.  Faith is the way to turn humans into lemmings.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that means that I don't believe there is a god.  My upbringing leads me to believe there is, but that's all. I like to believe that there is a god, it makes me feel better.  Which is silly logic, childish in many ways, but so what...if believing in something that may or may not be there makes me handle life better then that's still a coping mechanism, even atheists have them.
...Tick, tock, tick, tock...