Rage

I teeter on the brink of rage almost constantly now. I’m not that person. I want to move on. I want to shove all of this away and finally feel peace. At work I maintain my composure, but by the time the week comes to an end and I’m home to another empty weekend my fuse is short. I’m that person that puts her babies to bed a half hour early for the sake of sanity. I wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone!

The many times that people told me I deserved better, that no one deserves the way things were between him and I, I would jump to his defense, I’d make up excuses for him, I’d lie to them and myself. I remember one person in particular telling me that I shouldn’t put up with it, I should just leave and do what’s best for my children, my instant response was “I can’t do this alone, I don’t want to do this alone, I don’t want to raise two kids on my own…one is one thing, but two?” they then pointed out the number of children I take care of every day; that isn’t the same, not even close. The children I care for I love like my own, but I also love their families, sure some of their families would drive me up the wall, but really I loved them and had hopes and dreams for them just as I would anyone else I care for. All of those children would go home to their families. At the time I couldn’t imagine going home to caring for two children on my own, I had seen many other women struggle with exactly that. This particular person advising me was a single mother of two, an above average woman because she adopted the two children, took on each child already single, knowing from the get go the struggles ahead. There lies the difference between her and I. She had the mindset to begin with of being a single mother (not to mention the financial stability), I however had the mindset of being married to the father of my children, and although I wouldn’t get any emotional support, at least there would be financial support and a parent to help buffer difficult parenting struggles.

I’m trying to let go of it…let go of the future I thought I would have. To let go of that future I need to have some sort of idea on how I’m going to handle my current future. As it currently stands I’m in a ditch, and to get out I need to make some seriously big changes. Things have got to change financially in order for me to raise two children on my own…I just haven’t the faintest idea on how I’m going to do so. Right now after all the bills are paid I’m left with $250 a month to spend on groceries, diapers, wipes, etc…any extra expenditure requires me to not eat to save money. Which I do. Routinely, because bills must be paid…none of them can be skipped...and there’s always extra expenditures. I’m at bare minimum already. Which is really where the rage originates. Stupid money. There’s nothing I can do about it as things currently stand because getting a second job would require me to have a babysitter for my children, which would cost money, which would then defeat the purpose of having the second job in the first place. My moral compass barely holds strong enough to prevent me from stealing. I now understand the feeling that drives a person to commit crimes and thieve for necessity. Back when the iPad from work was stolen and I had to come up with the funds to replace it I seriously contemplated doing something illegal…but instead cut my food intake in half and sold some valuables that although priceless to me, still had a price. I sure hope that the person that stole the iPad in the first place had a higher need for the monetary value of it than I…I hope it wasn’t just so they could score some easy cash for drugs.

One day it will get better. I will make it better. I will find a way. I’ve just gotta follow through with a current plan and go from there. There’s a boatload of unanswered questions, but as long as I don’t fret too much about them, they don’t weigh me down so much. My plate is overflowing, but I still have the choice to take one bite at a time…no harm in eating it cold in the future. Or maybe I will find a dog I can feed it to under the table.

“What counts most in human existence is the dignity and courage with which a person conducts himself in the process of being destroyed by life and the world.” -Hemmingway

Won't make same

I hate you. I hate you because I can't wish you dead because that would hurt my son too much. I hate you because I find myself missing the life I was planning to have. The life that involved having someone who could be there for me when I needed them the most. I hate you because I'm sitting here crying over you when you treated me like shit. I hate you because my kids deserve better.  I hate you because you didn't include me in your decision to end our marriage. I hate you because you're an asshole who couldn't even take a damn picture of me with my baby after she was born because you're a moron who has no clue why that would be important. I hate you because you're so fucking selfish it's unreal. I hate you because you think you can show up at my place whenever you damn well please. I hate you because you're oblivious to the fact that my son can't count on you, you tell him you always pick him up when you tell him you'll pick him up, but what you're forgetting are the times you told him you would pick him up but didn't! I hate you because I didn't see it coming when I should have after giving you a new phone I had saved up for over two months time for Valentine's day, which you promptly locked, then didn't give me anything...I should have known then.  I hate you because you're being supportive to HER. HER! I hate HER. I hate HER because she knew before me that you wanted a divorce. I hate HER because she thinks so highly of you when you're a total piece of fucking shit.

One day you'll hate yourself the way I hate you now. I won't always hate you. One day I will be enough for my children. One day I will be able to give them all that they need without you. One day you will wonder what the fuck you were thinking leaving us. One day you'll regret this. One day you'll realize that putting new clothes on your own back when your children are outgrowing theirs is selfish. One day you will realize the sacrifices I made, because you won't find another woman willing to drive that damn commute so that you can avoid fucking traffic as you live happily in a sub par life in this small ass town. One day you'll realize that choosing to hang out with HER and your friends was a waste of your time because while you were busy making them your priority I was busy consoling a 5 year old with disappointment from his father not picking him up from school like he said he would.

Our daughter was 6 weeks when you told me you wanted a divorce, in the midst of my having a mental breakdown from trying to recover from child birth, trying to keep up with house work, coping with endless nights of screaming from a colic infant for three weeks prior while you slept soundly in our bed with me on the couch so we wouldn't fucking wake you from your precious sleep regardless of whether or not you worked the next day which you only did for 4 out of the 7 day's so the least you could have fucking done was help me!  6 WEEKS!! Do you realize what that means for her?? That means when she is old enough to do math and know how short of a time span that is she's going to blame her own existence for her parents divorce. Thank God she has me to set her thoughts at ease and talk to her about it because you're too emotionally illiterate to even comprehend how another person feels because your life has been nothing but joy and the second it wasn't joyful for you you fucking bailed.

Even your family thinks you're an asshole.
I wonder what your dad would think of you. What do you think?

How does it feel to know that another man who is like family but isn't technically related to me is responsible for the roof over your children's heads? That it is out of the extreme kindness in another's heart that your children sleep warmly every night and play with plenty of room each day.

One of the reasons I fell in love with you and wanted to spend my life with you was because you wanted to be a stay at home dad one day, which I thought meant you would love your kids, enjoy spending quality time with them, and support my desire to become educated enough to obtain a job financially allowing you to stay home....I didn't know what that really meant was you want to stay home, play video games, eat copious amounts of junk food and expect the children to fend for themselves.

I'll be smarter if there's a next time for me, I'll make sure to ask more questions, because I should have asked how you picture the life of a stay at home dad being and how it would be made possible.  I was a fool for loving you.

But life can only get better from here. It will be better for all of us without you.

I won't make the same mistake again.