Bear Hunt

During a conversation with a close friend I was giving her advice on her dating debacle. After a variety of advice, I told her "Just remember, no matter how great or how crummy the experience...it's something to learn from.  Even with something as horrific as what I went through, I still learned something."  My friend was kind enough to ask me what I learned from my experience.  And you know what? I learned...

I learned that people are unpredictable, I can take all the precautions I want, but I can never have total control of my surroundings, I can only control me and my reactions. What happened was previously one of my biggest fears...then it happened, and I survived.  I'm stronger than I imagined myself to be.  Prior to this occurrence, when I imagined how I would react if faced with it, I remember saying that I'd want to be killed, because I couldn't imagine being able to truly live again after.  But when it happened, all I could think about were all of the things worth living for.

I went into survival mode.  I learned about a new part of me, a part I never knew existed.

I beat myself up for months thinking that I hadn't listened to myself that night, that it was my fault, that there must have been something I could have done to prevent it, but I was wrong, I did listen to myself.  I had more thoughts of my own that I listened to that night than I encounter in an entire week.  It's because I listened to myself that I came out with my nose above water.

I think I've finally stopped thinking it was my fault, it's a similar feeling to forgiveness...but I didn't do anything that merited forgiveness, so I suppose what I'm really trying to get at is acceptance.

At any rate, the bear hunt continues.

Take Back

"Whatever it is that he took from you, take it back," is probably some of the most helpful advice I've been given.  It sounds simple enough.  After months of denial that there was even anything to take back, I really ought to figure out what it is and do so.  Something's missing, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know what it is at all.

I've progressed to the stage of anger, which is good after a year of denial and guilt.  I don't know how to be angry though.  After spending so much of my life being so angry all of the time, it's like I'm all tapped out, it's been a few years since I have been genuinely angry.  Now that it could be used as a tool to help me I don't know how to go about it.

I hate him.  I hate everything about him.  I hate that movie.  I hate that song.  I hate those colors.  There is only one person I currently hate and he isn't even alive for me to scream at.

I'm supposed to write a letter, says the electrician.  I can't get myself in that state of mind to do so.  I'm not there yet.  I don't know why, because I desperately want to be there, I want to get to the point that I no longer hate, that anger doesn't stir within my soul when something familiar shows, I want to so badly that it overshadows experiencing my current feelings to their fullest.  I tried to skip all of those steps.  I tried to skip to the end, the end where everything is ok, when I am inevitably changed forever, but no longer burdened.  I was kindly reminded that I must go through it.  Which reminded me of "Going on a Bear Hunt," specifically the line "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it."

Now I'm going on a bear hunt.  I'm not scared.

Bulb

I've written approximately 500 blogs these past few months,
all of them in my head--of course.
Seems as though the times that I am deepest in thought is on my commute.
The drive is the only opportunity I get to think without much interruption of life.
It doesn't help that I've been stuck in the dark these past few months.
I've finally found the light switch, unfortunately a breaker is out.
I'm currently seeking help from an electrician.

How's that for metaphorical writing, bitches.