Take Back

"Whatever it is that he took from you, take it back," is probably some of the most helpful advice I've been given.  It sounds simple enough.  After months of denial that there was even anything to take back, I really ought to figure out what it is and do so.  Something's missing, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know what it is at all.

I've progressed to the stage of anger, which is good after a year of denial and guilt.  I don't know how to be angry though.  After spending so much of my life being so angry all of the time, it's like I'm all tapped out, it's been a few years since I have been genuinely angry.  Now that it could be used as a tool to help me I don't know how to go about it.

I hate him.  I hate everything about him.  I hate that movie.  I hate that song.  I hate those colors.  There is only one person I currently hate and he isn't even alive for me to scream at.

I'm supposed to write a letter, says the electrician.  I can't get myself in that state of mind to do so.  I'm not there yet.  I don't know why, because I desperately want to be there, I want to get to the point that I no longer hate, that anger doesn't stir within my soul when something familiar shows, I want to so badly that it overshadows experiencing my current feelings to their fullest.  I tried to skip all of those steps.  I tried to skip to the end, the end where everything is ok, when I am inevitably changed forever, but no longer burdened.  I was kindly reminded that I must go through it.  Which reminded me of "Going on a Bear Hunt," specifically the line "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it."

Now I'm going on a bear hunt.  I'm not scared.