I am fearful. Scared. Borderline terrified. Of having another child. Not because two children are more difficult than one. I've taken on classrooms filled with more children than the typical person could care for, all while providing a developmentally appropriate environment for them to thrive in. But I did so well the first time.
You hear the term "throwing away the first pancake." Your first child is supposed to be the experimental one...basically giving you a free pass when you royally mess them up, because you don't have a clue what you're doing, you're flying by the seat of your pants. I did so well with my first. And not just by my standards...by pretty much everyone else that meets him. I use to think that I was just like any other mom, thinking her child is so amazing, and then more and more people began to compliment his demeanor. I feel like I should be happy with just one. I don't think I get to take credit for it, temperament and personality, and pure luck created my son. I stare at him often, wondering where did I go right, how did I get him. It gets to me...how nothing is wrong.
So because I was blessed with such an amazing child, I am scared that God, the Universe, whomever, will look at me and think "Really? You want another one? Now you're just being greedy..." Because I have been given such an amazing child. Then they're going to punish me for being greedy...because that makes perfect illogical sense.
Then there's the expectation. I did so well with him...I feel like he's created this standard for the type of child I can create. I'm basically scared that I'm going to screw up the second round through
I'm also scared that having a second child could mess with my first...what if he's so amazing simply because he's an only child. Part of me hopes that if that were his fate then I won't be granted the opportunity for another child.
For me it takes such a leap of faith for a second child. I want one, but it still scares me. I am a strong believer in fate, and I won't be given anything I can't handle...deep down I know that. It's just the surface level that keeps me from always seeing it. That's why I write it down. I write down my fears, I let them go, set them free. Here goes nothing.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Last Wish
Sort of out of left field here, but regardless I want some sort of starting to my last wish. I know in order for it to count worth shit I have to get it officially notarized or something like that. At any rate...
When I die, firstly...I want my organs donated. I wish I could stipulate that my organs only go to good people, but I'm not god and can't really be the judge of that, so I'll leave that part to fate. And in case of a horrifying situation if my son, or any other future children of mine also die...like if we get into a horrific car accident...then I'd want their organs donated as well.
Secondly, I want to be cremated. Ashes split in half. Half of them buried with Sammantha, the other half used in fireworks. If my research is correct then I first need to get permission from Sammantha's family who owns the plots...which I think is the Greene side of the family, her biological father's family. And as for the fireworks thing, there's several companies that will do it. http://www.heavensabovefireworks.com/
So...that's all for now. *shrug*
When I die, firstly...I want my organs donated. I wish I could stipulate that my organs only go to good people, but I'm not god and can't really be the judge of that, so I'll leave that part to fate. And in case of a horrifying situation if my son, or any other future children of mine also die...like if we get into a horrific car accident...then I'd want their organs donated as well.
Secondly, I want to be cremated. Ashes split in half. Half of them buried with Sammantha, the other half used in fireworks. If my research is correct then I first need to get permission from Sammantha's family who owns the plots...which I think is the Greene side of the family, her biological father's family. And as for the fireworks thing, there's several companies that will do it. http://www.heavensabovefireworks.com/
So...that's all for now. *shrug*
Monday, May 21, 2012
Deep
(an old post that I'm ready to set free)
I, in this moment, believe that I will never love as deep as I did once. I loved a man so fiercely that the world stopped when I was in his arms. A once in a life time type of love. He sparked everything inside of me that struggled to be ignited. He alone is responsible for opening my eyes to who I am, who I can become, who I hope to be. He showed me how to dream, that having my own dreams was worth while. He probably doesn't know it, and it is probably best that he not, because I know it could shatter him further to know that I loved him so deeply, yet still let it all go to waste.
Why you ask? Logic... Fear... Mostly fear if I'm being honest with myself. Fear that I would be wrong. Fear that what I felt at that time would end, just like all of the other loves that had come before. I am pro at preemptive strikes. I have dozens of books that I have read from chapter one to middle or nearly the end, because I can't handle endings. It's a part of me that still struggles to grow up, to face facts, to take chances. I've lost so many people, so many loves, mostly the love for a best friend, which is similar to a romantic love, it takes as much risk and commitment in the way that I handle friendships...I feel that I've already lost so much, I don't think I can take anymore.
He loved me unlike any man ever has. He told me that he was happy for me to be happy, even if that meant not being with him. Which to me is the ultimate love. To love someone so much that you just want them to be happy. I let him go for that exact reason, I couldn't imagine being who he deserved in order for him to be truly happy. Maybe it's cruel of me to think I would be a fair judge of that call, but I called it no less.
I'm always loved more than I can reciprocate. Men who in the past have struggled to fall in love, seem to fall so hard for me, so quickly, it's borderline insanity sometimes. I'm guessing that some may read this and think "is this chick complaining? really? I would kill for that." Well...it's like getting swept off your feet the minute before you learn how to walk, and never being set down. I'm never fully ready for it, hoping I'm ready, but never quite ready, and the power is taken away from me before I even feel it's full force, before I even reach the realization of what I'm capable of. The only time I made it past that brink was when I fell for this man, because I fell for him before he fell for me, or maybe it was instantaneous on both sides, only he could clarify that. I literally fell in love with him the second I laid eyes upon him. Every cliche in any love book read could be applied to this love I once had.
Amanda means lovable, fit to be loved. What a cursed blessing. Couldn't that have been paired with a name that means capable of whole hearted love?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have everything that I logically could want. It's simply a feeling that I have, in this moment, at this point in time, in regards to a love, deeper than the galaxies are far.
I, in this moment, believe that I will never love as deep as I did once. I loved a man so fiercely that the world stopped when I was in his arms. A once in a life time type of love. He sparked everything inside of me that struggled to be ignited. He alone is responsible for opening my eyes to who I am, who I can become, who I hope to be. He showed me how to dream, that having my own dreams was worth while. He probably doesn't know it, and it is probably best that he not, because I know it could shatter him further to know that I loved him so deeply, yet still let it all go to waste.
Why you ask? Logic... Fear... Mostly fear if I'm being honest with myself. Fear that I would be wrong. Fear that what I felt at that time would end, just like all of the other loves that had come before. I am pro at preemptive strikes. I have dozens of books that I have read from chapter one to middle or nearly the end, because I can't handle endings. It's a part of me that still struggles to grow up, to face facts, to take chances. I've lost so many people, so many loves, mostly the love for a best friend, which is similar to a romantic love, it takes as much risk and commitment in the way that I handle friendships...I feel that I've already lost so much, I don't think I can take anymore.
He loved me unlike any man ever has. He told me that he was happy for me to be happy, even if that meant not being with him. Which to me is the ultimate love. To love someone so much that you just want them to be happy. I let him go for that exact reason, I couldn't imagine being who he deserved in order for him to be truly happy. Maybe it's cruel of me to think I would be a fair judge of that call, but I called it no less.
I'm always loved more than I can reciprocate. Men who in the past have struggled to fall in love, seem to fall so hard for me, so quickly, it's borderline insanity sometimes. I'm guessing that some may read this and think "is this chick complaining? really? I would kill for that." Well...it's like getting swept off your feet the minute before you learn how to walk, and never being set down. I'm never fully ready for it, hoping I'm ready, but never quite ready, and the power is taken away from me before I even feel it's full force, before I even reach the realization of what I'm capable of. The only time I made it past that brink was when I fell for this man, because I fell for him before he fell for me, or maybe it was instantaneous on both sides, only he could clarify that. I literally fell in love with him the second I laid eyes upon him. Every cliche in any love book read could be applied to this love I once had.
Amanda means lovable, fit to be loved. What a cursed blessing. Couldn't that have been paired with a name that means capable of whole hearted love?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have everything that I logically could want. It's simply a feeling that I have, in this moment, at this point in time, in regards to a love, deeper than the galaxies are far.