Full Fear

I am fearful.  Scared.  Borderline terrified.  Of having another child.  Not because two children are more difficult than one.  I've taken on classrooms filled with more children than the typical person could care for, all while providing a developmentally appropriate environment for them to thrive in.  But I did so well the first time.

You hear the term "throwing away the first pancake." Your first child is supposed to be the experimental one...basically giving you a free pass when you royally mess them up, because you don't have a clue what you're doing, you're flying by the seat of your pants.  I did so well with my first.  And not just by my standards...by pretty much everyone else that meets him.  I use to think that I was just like any other mom, thinking her child is so amazing, and then more and more people began to compliment his demeanor.  I feel like I should be happy with just one.  I don't think I get to take credit for it, temperament and personality, and pure luck created my son.  I stare at him often, wondering where did I go right, how did I get him.  It gets to me...how nothing is wrong.

So because I was blessed with such an amazing child, I am scared that God, the Universe, whomever, will look at me and think "Really? You want another one? Now you're just being greedy..." Because I have been given such an amazing child.  Then they're going to punish me for being greedy...because that makes perfect illogical sense.

Then there's the expectation.  I did so well with him...I feel like he's created this standard for the type of child I can create.  I'm basically scared that I'm going to screw up the second round through

I'm also scared that having a second child could mess with my first...what if he's so amazing simply because he's an only child.  Part of me hopes that if that were his fate then I won't be granted the opportunity for another child.

For me it takes such a leap of faith for a second child.  I want one, but it still scares me.  I am a strong believer in fate, and I won't be given anything I can't handle...deep down I know that.  It's just the surface level that keeps me from always seeing it.  That's why I write it down.  I write down my fears, I let them go, set them free.  Here goes nothing.