Deep

(an old post that I'm ready to set free)
I, in this moment, believe that I will never love as deep as I did once.  I loved a man so fiercely that the world stopped when I was in his arms.  A once in a life time type of love.  He sparked everything inside of me that struggled to be ignited.  He alone is responsible for opening my eyes to who I am, who I can become, who I hope to be.  He showed me how to dream, that having my own dreams was worth while.  He probably doesn't know it, and it is probably best that he not, because I know it could shatter him further to know that I loved him so deeply, yet still let it all go to waste.
Why you ask? Logic... Fear... Mostly fear if I'm being honest with myself.  Fear that I would be wrong.  Fear that what I felt at that time would end, just like all of the other loves that had come before.  I am pro at preemptive strikes.  I have dozens of books that I have read from chapter one to middle or nearly the end, because I can't handle endings.  It's a part of me that still struggles to grow up, to face facts, to take chances.  I've lost so many people, so many loves, mostly the love for a best friend, which is similar to a romantic love, it takes as much risk and commitment in the way that I handle friendships...I feel that I've already lost so much, I don't think I can take anymore.
He loved me unlike any man ever has.  He told me that he was happy for me to be happy, even if that meant not being with him.  Which to me is the ultimate love.  To love someone so much that you just want them to be happy.  I let him go for that exact reason, I couldn't imagine being who he deserved in order for him to be truly happy.  Maybe it's cruel of me to think I would be a fair judge of that call, but I called it no less.
I'm always loved more than I can reciprocate.  Men who in the past have struggled to fall in love, seem to fall so hard for me, so quickly, it's borderline insanity sometimes.  I'm guessing that some may read this and think "is this chick complaining? really? I would kill for that."  Well...it's like getting swept off your feet the minute before you learn how to walk, and never being set down.  I'm never fully ready for it, hoping I'm ready, but never quite ready, and the power is taken away from me before I even feel it's full force, before I even reach the realization of what I'm capable of.  The only time I made it past that brink was when I fell for this man, because I fell for him before he fell for me, or maybe it was instantaneous on both sides, only he could clarify that.  I literally fell in love with him the second I laid eyes upon him.  Every cliche in any love book read could be applied to this love I once had.
Amanda means lovable, fit to be loved.  What a cursed blessing.  Couldn't that have been paired with a name that means capable of whole hearted love?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy.  I have everything that I logically could want.  It's simply a feeling that I have, in this moment, at this point in time, in regards to a love, deeper than the galaxies are far.