Bear Hunt

During a conversation with a close friend I was giving her advice on her dating debacle. After a variety of advice, I told her "Just remember, no matter how great or how crummy the experience...it's something to learn from.  Even with something as horrific as what I went through, I still learned something."  My friend was kind enough to ask me what I learned from my experience.  And you know what? I learned...

I learned that people are unpredictable, I can take all the precautions I want, but I can never have total control of my surroundings, I can only control me and my reactions. What happened was previously one of my biggest fears...then it happened, and I survived.  I'm stronger than I imagined myself to be.  Prior to this occurrence, when I imagined how I would react if faced with it, I remember saying that I'd want to be killed, because I couldn't imagine being able to truly live again after.  But when it happened, all I could think about were all of the things worth living for.

I went into survival mode.  I learned about a new part of me, a part I never knew existed.

I beat myself up for months thinking that I hadn't listened to myself that night, that it was my fault, that there must have been something I could have done to prevent it, but I was wrong, I did listen to myself.  I had more thoughts of my own that I listened to that night than I encounter in an entire week.  It's because I listened to myself that I came out with my nose above water.

I think I've finally stopped thinking it was my fault, it's a similar feeling to forgiveness...but I didn't do anything that merited forgiveness, so I suppose what I'm really trying to get at is acceptance.

At any rate, the bear hunt continues.

Take Back

"Whatever it is that he took from you, take it back," is probably some of the most helpful advice I've been given.  It sounds simple enough.  After months of denial that there was even anything to take back, I really ought to figure out what it is and do so.  Something's missing, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know what it is at all.

I've progressed to the stage of anger, which is good after a year of denial and guilt.  I don't know how to be angry though.  After spending so much of my life being so angry all of the time, it's like I'm all tapped out, it's been a few years since I have been genuinely angry.  Now that it could be used as a tool to help me I don't know how to go about it.

I hate him.  I hate everything about him.  I hate that movie.  I hate that song.  I hate those colors.  There is only one person I currently hate and he isn't even alive for me to scream at.

I'm supposed to write a letter, says the electrician.  I can't get myself in that state of mind to do so.  I'm not there yet.  I don't know why, because I desperately want to be there, I want to get to the point that I no longer hate, that anger doesn't stir within my soul when something familiar shows, I want to so badly that it overshadows experiencing my current feelings to their fullest.  I tried to skip all of those steps.  I tried to skip to the end, the end where everything is ok, when I am inevitably changed forever, but no longer burdened.  I was kindly reminded that I must go through it.  Which reminded me of "Going on a Bear Hunt," specifically the line "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it."

Now I'm going on a bear hunt.  I'm not scared.

Bulb

I've written approximately 500 blogs these past few months,
all of them in my head--of course.
Seems as though the times that I am deepest in thought is on my commute.
The drive is the only opportunity I get to think without much interruption of life.
It doesn't help that I've been stuck in the dark these past few months.
I've finally found the light switch, unfortunately a breaker is out.
I'm currently seeking help from an electrician.

How's that for metaphorical writing, bitches.

Doll

How I appear in pictures isn't what I think I look like. You know how when you hear a recording of your voice you can't believe that's what you sound like?  It's like that...only physical appearance.  I psychoanalyze my warped ideas of what I look like and I know it has to do with all those hurtful things that were said to me long ago.  I remember specific moments throughout my life that I was told blatantly that I was ugly.

Middle school was by far the worst.  I remember several, but one boy in particular that constantly would greet me by saying "Hey ugly!" I swear if I ever hear my son saying that to a girl I'll take away everything he owns, which doesn't even compare to the damage a boy can do to a young girl by saying that.  I still struggle to believe people when they give me compliments.  When I imagine in my head what I look like, I'm skin and bones...courtesy of nicknames such as "bones" and "freeway, not a curve in sight."  I imagine one of those girls that you see in an advertisement for eating disorder recovery.  I see a face covered in acne, chicken pox scars, and my skin disease (HHD).  I'm insecure about wearing shorts and skirts because I picture that I look similar to a flamingo.  I had many nicknames in high school, Bones, Mango, Frayner, Mandi, Magnanimous, Nefarious One, and one that I loved being called...Doll.  There was a small group of people who called me Doll.  Doll is a nickname that I think is worthy of the person pictured above.  When I was called Doll I felt pretty, I felt like I was that girl I saw in pictures.  I struggle to convince myself I'm an attractive person.  Maybe this is the case for all women.

When I compare myself (and I know all women do) to my friends, I think of them as all being prettier than me.  Yes, all of them.  Each of them possess qualities I wish I had, just ask me and I'll tell you what physical quality it is (side note: this blog is about the physical self, on top of the physical qualities there's many other qualities far more important that my friends possess as well).  Qualities that some of them know they have, but some don't.  It's the friends that don't realize it that I wish I could help, because I imagine they feel as crummy as I do about myself.

Males have so much power over a female's self esteem so early in life.  It took me YEARS to wear a skirt again after a boy in the 2nd grade went around saying "Friday flip up day" and flipped up my skirt.  I remember a friend's attempt to convince me that I was pretty in middle school, which tragically backfired.  She took me around the hallways at lunch to many of the boys we knew and asked them "Who's prettier?"  Unfortunately for me the boys, ones that were dumb enough to reply, said she was prettier, including my crush at the time.  To a middle school boy she was prettier, she had bigger boobs than me (or rather, she had them, and I didn't), and she wasn't towering over them like I was, she also wore clothing that was flattering to her body type.  It's hard for a girl who's straight as a rail to find anything flattering.

When the numerous people said "Amanda, you're so skinny!" all I hear is "You could really use a steak" (which is also something I was told).  I blamed myself, and myself alone, for my best friend's eating disorder.  She obsessed over how skinny I was.  I remember wearing clothes that were baggy to try and hide how skinny I was.  Constantly wearing a big square gray sweatshirt, trying to hide.  I still blame myself, and kick myself for it, for Samm's disorder.  My logical side knows better, I'm able to tell myself "Don't be dumb, you know there's more to an eating disorder than simply having a skinny best friend."

We grow up not talking about our own flaws, not in a open manner at least, in a critical manner yes.  A couple weeks ago a coworker of mine was afraid to ask me a question about my breasts and how they changed after I was pregnant.  She complained that they are now mush and lack shape, I told her I experienced the same thing, that my breasts too lack fullness to such an extent that they start to come out the bottom of my bra (even with underwire) similar to the way the insides come out of a slightly cracked egg.  I love the part of the movie Mean Girls when Lindsey Lohan's character says "I used to think there was just fat and skinny.  Apparently, there's a lot of things that can be wrong on your body."  I try to focus on the good things when I look in the mirror, in effort to overpower my warped sense of self.

Looking back at pictures of myself when I was teen, I don't know how I didn't realize how pretty I was.  I felt completely invisible. And I'm sure I'll be thinking the same thing years from now.  Just wish I could convince myself in the here and now. 
 

Ohio

One of my favorite parts of a favorite book.

From "Whinesburg, Ohio."

Tandy
Until she was seven years old she lived in an old unpainted
house on an unused road that led off Trunion Pike. Her
father gave her but little attention and her mother was
dead. The father spent his time talking and thinking of
religion. He proclaimed himself an agnostic and was so
absorbed in destroying the ideas of God that had crept into
the minds of his neighbors that he never saw God
manifesting himself in the little child that, half
forgotten, lived here and there on the bounty of her dead
mother's relatives.
   A stranger came to Winesburg and saw in the child what
the father did not see. He was a tall, red-haired young
man who was almost always drunk. Sometimes he sat in a
chair before the New Willard House with Tom Hard, the
father. As Tom talked, declaring there could be no God,
the stranger smiled and winked at the bystanders. He and
Tom became friends and were much together.
   The stranger was the son of a rich merchant of Cleveland
and had come to Winesburg on a mission. He wanted to cure
himself of the habit of drink, and thought that by escaping
from his city associates and living in a rural community he
would have a better chance in the struggle with the appetite
that was destroying him.
   His sojourn in Winesburg was not a success. The
dullness of the passing hours led to his drinking harder
than ever. But he did succeed in doing something. He gave
a name rich with meaning to Tom Hard's daughter.
   One evening when he was recovering from a long debauch
the stranger came reeling along the main street of the
town. Tom Hard sat in a chair before the New Willard House
with his daughter, then a child of five, on his knees. 
Beside him on the board sidewalk sat young George Willard. 
The stranger dropped into a chair beside them. His body
shook and when he tried to talk his voice trembled.
   It was late evening and darkness lay over the town and
over the railroad that ran along the foot of a little
incline before the hotel. Somewhere in the distance, off
to the west, there was a prolonged blast from the whistle
of a passenger engine. A dog that had been sleeping in the
roadway arose and barked. The stranger began to babble and
made a prophecy concerning the child that lay in the arms
of the agnostic.
  "I came here to quit drinking," he said, and tears began
to run down his cheeks. He did not look at Tom Hard, but
leaned forward and stared into the darkness as though
seeing a vision. "I ran away to the country to be cured,
but I am not cured. There is a reason." He turned to look
at the child who sat up very straight on her father's knee
and returned the look.
   The stranger touched Tom Hard on the arm. "Drink is not
the only thing to which I am addicted," he said. "There is
something else. I am a lover and have not found my thing
to love. That is a big point if you know enough to realize
what I mean. It makes my destruction inevitable, you see. 
There are few who understand that."
   The stranger became silent and seemed overcome with
sadness, but another blast from the whistle of the
passenger engine aroused him. "I have not lost faith. I
proclaim that. I have only been brought to the place where
I know my faith will not be realized," he declared
hoarsely. He looked hard at the child and began to address
her, paying no more attention to the father. "There is a
woman coming," he said, and his voice was sharp and
earnest. "I have missed her, you see. She did not come in
my time. You may be the woman. It would be like fate to
let me stand in her presence once, on such an evening as
this, when I have destroyed myself with drink and she is as
yet only a child."
   The shoulders of the stranger shook violently, and when
he tried to roll a cigarette the paper fell from his
trembling fingers. He grew angry and scolded. "They think
it's easy to be a woman, to be loved, but I know better,"
he declared. Again he turned to the child. "I
understand," he cried. "Perhaps of all men I alone
understand."
   His glance again wandered away to the darkened
street. "I know about her, although she has never crossed
my path," he said softly. "I know about her struggles and
her defeats. It is because of her defeats that she is to
me the lovely one. Out of her defeats has been born a new
quality in woman. I have a name for it. I call it Tandy. 
I made up the name when I was a true dreamer and before my
body became vile. It is the quality of being strong to be
loved. It is something men need from women and that they
do not get."
   The stranger arose and stood before Tom Hard. His body
rocked back and forth and he seemed about to fall, but
instead he dropped to his knees on the sidewalk and raised
the hands of the little girl to his drunken lips. He
kissed them ecstatically. "Be Tandy, little one," he
pleaded. "Dare to be strong and courageous. That is the
road. Venture anything. Be brave enough to dare to be
loved. Be something more than man or woman. Be Tandy."
   The stranger arose and staggered off down the street. A
day or two later he got aboard a train and returned to his
home in Cleveland. On the summer evening, after the talk
before the hotel, Tom Hard took the girl child to the house
of relative where she had been invited to spend the night. 
as he went along in the darkness under the trees he forgot
the babbling voice of the stranger and his mind returned to
the making of arguments by which he might destroy men's
faith in God. He spoke his daughter's name and she began
to weep.
   "I don't want to be called that," she declared. "I want
to be called Tandy---Tandy Hard." The child wept so
bitterly that Tom Hard was touched and tried to comfort
her. He stopped beneath a tree and, taking her into his
arms, began to caress her. "Be good, now," he said sharply;
but she would not be quieted. With childish abandon she
gave herself over to grief, her voice breaking the evening
stillness of the street. "I want to be Tandy. I want to
be Tandy. I want to be Tandy Hard," she cried, shaking her
head and sobbing as though her young strength were not
enough to bear the vision the words of the drunkard had
brought to her.

What next

I'm trying to figure out what to write next. I'm thinking of doing a color blog series. Choosing a color and then writing about what or who it reminds me of. Or maybe just a memory blog. Talking about the various things I encounter during the day and the memories they spark. I do know one thing, I want to plan it out and make it purposeful. We shall see.

With

Day 100 - The final picture of yourself with 15 facts.

 44% of kids watch television before they go to sleep
[ but not mine, i read to him ]

The Gastric Flu can cause projectile vomiting 
[ so can Noro Virus ]

The Great Pyramids used to be as white as snow because they were encased in a bright limestone that has worn off over the years
[ guess I've been coloring my pyramids wrong all these years ]

Japanese research has concluded that moderate drinking can boost IQ levels
[ guess that means there's a lot of people who could be A LOT dumber ]

For more than 3,000 years, Carpenter ants have been used to close wounds in India, Asia and South America
[ next time my son hurts himself, i'll tell him to just rub some ants on it instead of dirt ]

The word "toy" comes from an old English word that means "tool."
[ i bet Piaget would be happy to hear that ]

Most lipstick contains fish scales
[ which is why i never use lipstick ]

Of married couples, 70% of men and 60% of women have cheated on their spouse
[ and people wonder why 50% get divorced ]

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes
[ no wonder they never have donkeys at petting zoos ]

   Throughout the South, peanuts were known as "Monkey Nuts," and "Goober peas," before the civil war
[ not sure which term i like more ]

A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs
[ chickens have earlobes? ]

 The abbreviation Xmas for the word Christmas is of Greek origin. Since the word for Christ in the Greek language is Xristos, which starts with the letter "X," they started putting the X in place of Christ and came up with the short form for the word Christmas 

[ for everyone who gets offended when people write Xmas, knock it off, they aren't denouncing Christ ] 

 In a day, kids in the U.S. that are between the ages of 2 - 8 spend 28 minutes of their time coloring 

[ pretty sure i did way more than 28 minutes a day when i was around age 8 ] 

  

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise 

[ adding even more meaning to the phrase "men are from mars, women are from venus" ]  

Feel

Day 99 - Something that makes you feel accomplished

I really feel the most accomplished when I can get a cranky baby to fall asleep.  It's like magic.  One of the most beautiful feelings I have ever experienced.  I remember the point in my life when cranky babies scared me to death, and I didn't have a clue what to do with them.  Now I am a sleep guru.  For whatever reason I have a talent to get babies to sleep, even the crankiest ones that everyone else gives up on.  Maybe that's why my son sleeps so much.  After spending 9 months in my magic sleep self. 

Nail

Day 98 - Your favorite nail polish color

It's hard to tell, but it's sparkly pink.  And I like it.  A lot. 

Rear View

Day 97 - Something heart shaped

 My rear view mirror decoration.  It's suppose to be a necklace, but I can't wear necklaces so I decorate my car with them instead. :) 

Pair

Day 96 - Your favorite pair of shorts

You have to click on the picture to get a good look at the shorts that I'm wearing in this photo.  I couldn't crop it because then it would lose the whole point of the picture.  Bear says that this sculpture is just balls on a stick, I however see a tall tree.  So I told him to put his arms up like a tall tree.  An old couple asked me to take their picture in front of it, so in return they took ours.  The last time I took this road trip with Bear I wanted to take this picture, but no one was around to take it for us.  I was thrilled to see other people there this time.

Ello

Day 95 - Something yellow

Today I wore yellow, sure it's 4th of July and typically I wear white or blue (never red, I don't look good in red), but not this year.  I've had this yellow shirt for a couple years now, but never was able to find something to wear under it since it's slightly see through, so I never wore it.  I was super excited to finally have a tank top to wear underneath it.  I really like it.  I normally can't wear shirts that touch my neck, because of my skin disease, but the fabric on this shirt is soft enough that it doesn't irritate my skin any.  My favorite part about this picture is that Bear took it.  I gave him the camera to look at pictures, I guess he pressed the right button to take a picture.

 

Todd Bday

Day 94 - What you’re doing right now

When I first sat down to write about what I was doing, my son walked in and told me it was time for cake.  Instead of getting a picture of me sitting on my bed typing on my laptop, you get this picture.  I was wishing my step dad a happy birthday.  Bear was waiting all day long for some cake.  After breakfast this morning he told me he ate all his food, I told him way to go, and then he asked for cake.  That's just how a 3 year old's mind works, if you eat all your food then you get a treat...which is true, that's pretty much how we've patterned him.  He doesn't always get something, but he has learned that he must eat all or usually most of his food in order to get dessert.  I was impressed that he didn't even ask for the cake when he first saw it, he instead asked for breakfast.  I should have realized right away his thought process, but I didn't. He didn't even end up eating all of his cake. I love that he doesn't eat all of something just to clear his plate, I feel that he is learning how to listen to his body and know when he is full.

View

Day 93 - The view from your bedroom window

 It's nothing special.  Just my parent's crummy back yard.  We have plans to fix it...eventually.  So many plans, so very little time.

Plum

Day 92 - Something weird in your house

This is probably the weirdest thing in my house.  It's a painting that i did in art camp one year.  We had to paint using fruit to represent something different.  I was like 13 or something.  I remember my sister Heather helping me do the shading on it.  It was a collaborative effort. 

Blue

Day 91 - Something blue

My favorite blue in the whole world, his baby blue eyes!

Work

Day 90 - Your current school photo

I don't have a current school photo, but I do have a current work photo.  This is my most recent work permit for working with my babies.  Just means I have a good enough background to work with children. I get a new one every 5 years.  This one I got this year and it's far better than my last picture, which is good because I'm stuck with it for the next 5 years.

Haha

Day 89 - What's in your fridge?

Just kidding!

Calm Cozy

Day 88 - Your bedroom 

I once read that the two most calming colors are blue and green.  Because of this I had painted Colbert's nursery green and blue, almost the same shades of the bedding that I have now.  Last year after Roger and I separated I decided to get this bedding to help make my own room more calm and soothing.  I really feel at home when I am in my bed.  I try not to have Bear sleep in my bed too often, in order to keep the feel of it being my bed.

Dear

Day 87 - Something you hold dear to your heart

Who else?  He looks so different as a chubby baby than he does now.  I think he was about 7 weeks old in this picture.  His hair already began to lighten.  He was born with black hair, slowly but surely it turned platinum blonde.

Cock

Day 86 - Something your mom bought you

Cock-a-doodle-doo! My mother bought me this Rooster.  As previously mentioned, I really want to decorate my own kitchen with an old country/rooster theme, so she bought me this rooster.  It makes me smile, and it reminds me of my goal.  The bigger goal is to have a place of my own, with a kitchen of my own to decorate.  One day. 

Grin

Day 85 - Something that made you smile today

 The smiley face potatoes at Black Bear Diner made me smile today.  More importantly, they made Colbert smile.  I love him so much, I especially love how the simplest things make him happy.  That's one of my favorite things about working with children, how happy they get over the simple things.  I sometimes wish I could get that happy over things, but then I realize I would get just as equally sad over the simple things.  I guess there has to be a balance between the two polar opposite emotions.  I don't feel that I get as happy about things as I use to, but I also don't get as sad over things.  Prior to having Colbert I cried easily, but I also laughed easily.  It's hard to say if I miss how that was, I lost the sadness, but at a price it seems. 

Went

Day 84 - A place you went today

Today we went to Bear's pediatrician.  This morning he woke up crying and holding his ear.  He was fine after a few minutes, but I had slight mother's intuition that it was ear infection.  I should have known earlier, since he acts up more when he has an ear infection, loses his ability to be sweet and such.  It was an ear infection of course.  Anyways...I'm digressing, the point is the picture above.  The pediatrician's office has this HUGE white board for the children to draw on.  While we were waiting Colbert was drawing and along came this little girl and she decided to draw him.  She drew just an outline of his upper half, then asked him what the picture was missing.  It was the coolest experience, to watch this little girl patiently wait for him to look at the picture, think about his self and decide what the picture was missing.  The part that made me laugh was when his head was nearly finished and the girl asked what else was missing, Colbert said he didn't know.  Instead of telling him right away, she said "Something really big on your head." He still couldn't figure it out.  Then the girl said "Your ears silly!" He grabbed his ears, laughed and said "OHhh!" Then he came to me and said "My ears aren't big, I can't fly."  It took me a second to realize what he meant by it.  Then I realized what has big ears and can fly.  Dumbo.  I suppose Colbert is right, his ears must not be big if he can't fly.

Moon

Day 83 - The moon tonight

 

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

Nate

Day 82 - The most embarrassing thing in your closet

 My bunny ranch t-shirt is only embarrassing if I don't have the opportunity to explain the story behind it.  One of my friends got this for me, it means a lot to me, believe it or not.  I think of Nate every time I see it, and it makes me laugh.  He got it for me based on the first conversation we ever had, about bunny ranches in Nevada.  I was very surprised when he got this for me, it was unexpected.  He has been a great friend to me over the years, since I was about 16 or so.  He's loyal, respectful, and can always get me to laugh.  I prefer to have people in my life that make me laugh, life is far to serious to spend it with people who lack a sense of humor.