Dino

Reason #1,159,756 that I love my son. "Dinosaurs don't have batteries." Those were his words as he took the batteries out of one of my least favorite sounding toys. Courtesy of my education I know how great play is without electronics. Animals (or any other toy) don't need electronic sounds, the children can and should make whatever sound they think the animal makes. Toys without batteries allow for more imagination. Ideally the best toys aren't even toys. For example, can you imagine the endless possibilities with the following things:

surveyor’s tape
real tools
flashlights
cove molding (for marbles)
electric hand sanders
1×4 pine boards
masking tape
paste

I'm sure many of us can think of all the things we could create, because we've spent time with many of these things. A child learns even more from these type of things because they haven't experienced all of the formal uses of them.
It's hard, even for me, to remember to have my child experience different materials in ways that spark his imagination. So his saying "Dinosaurs don't have batteries" was a nice reminder.

I re-evaluated what I have available for Bear to use whenever he desires. I already have tape, paint, makers (even permanent ones), crayons, scissors (yes. scissors!), and a bunch of other things most parents don't leave within reach of their children. I think the next step needs to be glue...I'm biased against glue, and I need to get over it.

People often ask how I handle 8 little ones (some with developmental delays) all day every day, mentioning a variety of things they can't handle their own children doing. Being a teacher is very different from being a mother. I do things within a classroom that I wouldn't ever do in my house with 8 children...I'm even hesitant with my one child. Maybe one day I'll have a home that I can turn a playroom into an acceptable enough space for any child to do whatever they please in. Until then I'll do what I can, like remove the batteries from the dinosaurs.

Near

The end of this bear hunt is near. Today was monumental. I received some excellent news about one of the battles I've been going through within this bear hunt. This particular battle caused excruciating physical pain to cure. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off me as a result. For me, this is a huge deal, I was so elated I cried and hugged my doctor. My favorite tears are those created from emotions stronger than sadness.

Guts

The electrician says I'm being courageous.  I'm trying to be.  My goal is to lessen this feeling day by day, week by week, until it no longer strikes a nerve.  I can't avoid this, I can't go under it, I can't go over it, I must go through it.  So I'm handling this the only way I know how, facing it head on.  I was presented with what was once my biggest fear, here I am, still standing, breathing, living.  The fear is still there, but it no longer controls me.
As mentioned before, the electrician suggested I write a letter.  I'm not going to.  I have nothing to say to him, there's nothing I want from him. Even if he were alive, there's nothing he could say or do to create any sort of closure.  I get to choose how I feel, not him.
What happened wasn't about me, it had nothing to do with who I am.  The result of what happened is about me, it is about who I am, and it's up to me to decide who I become as a result.
Maybe I don't need to morph into anything from my turtle self to face the bear at the end of this hunt. I could just put on a bandana, eat a lot of pizza, live in the sewer, and take some advice from Splinter.  Wouldn't be the first time I've been a ninja.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." - Mark Twain
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if you have to dig a little." - Tori Amos

Step

I've made it through another step of my bear hunt. Sat down and watched the dreaded movie. Survived it better than anticipated. The strange part was that I thought I'd experience more emotional turmoil, when what really happened was emotional stability and physical anguish. My stomach churned, nausea swept over me like a tidal wave, I became dizzy and my head began to throb. Courtesy of the calm emotional state I was able to settle my body more easily. As the movie progressed though, I could feel anger begin to stir within my soul yet again. It's still baffling to me that anger use to be such a go-to emotion, and now it catches me off guard and I have to really focus on myself to recognize that it is anger that I'm experiencing.
I made it through the part that I needed to, turned it off, and will start again another day. My goal is to make it through the entire movie and be able to watch it for the actual story line, maybe even enjoy it.
No rush.
Simply coming out of my shell is a big deal for this turtle.
I'll make it through this bear hunt soon enough.

True

I use to think I was in control of everything.  Now I think life happens, and it's our job to just try to keep up, to try to ride it out, to try to survive.

Both Ways

Duress impacts relationships in one of two ways.  It either tears people apart or strengthens their connection, binding them tightly in a common objective.

The relationships in my life have gone both ways.  It seems that family, those that I am blood related to, I have mostly lost.  However the bonds with friends have grown stronger, as well as other family that I certainly wasn't born with.  I use to think that you're supposed to have your family's backs, no matter what.  That was a mistaken understanding on my part.  There are many things in life that I learned much, much, earlier than the majority of my peers.  One I wish I had learned was the balance...no, the difference...of helping and enabling family.

My brothers had it right.  They ran for the hills as soon as they could.  For whatever reason I didn't learn from their example and follow suit.  You'd think after the years of admiring my brothers and their accomplishments I would have at least had the brains to follow their most intelligent maneuver, leaving their family and never looking back.

As far as regrets go, there's nothing in life I regret doing.  Everything I did, I did with good intentions.  However, what I do regret are the many things I did not do out of fear of an unfavorable outcome.  I play it safe. Something that I tried to change nearly two years ago.  To come out of my comfort zone, take risks, make mistakes.

Unfortunately every risk I took, turned out even worse than anticipated.  Especially the one I took a year ago.

Now I am on a Bear Hunt, as a turtle hiding in it's shell once again.  I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that a bear vs a turtle, isn't a fight anyone would place bets on.  Guess this bear hunt isn't just about hunting. It's about a turtle, turning into something other than a turtle, something that stands a chance against a bear.

Wall

In five days it will have been one year since the worst experience of my life.  I won't say it was the worst day, because it wasn't, he doesn't get credit for ruining jack shit.  He didn't ruin my day, he didn't ruin my month, my year, nor will he ruin me or my life.  Yes, as a result, I am changed, but even watching a movie can change a person.

Which comes to my next stop on this bear hunt.  "The" movie.  I've been avoiding it for a year, I got it for Christmas and it won't be long before the gifter asks me if I liked it or not.  I'd like to have a response, I'd like to avoid telling another lie as a result of what I endured a year ago, because trust me...just telling a lie crossed my mind.  Lies are easy, but the second they come out of your mouth they deteriorate whatever it touches, like acid.

I'm a "jump back on the horse" type of person.  I can't count the numerous occasions that life has knocked me down and I have gotten back up, maybe not gracefully, and maybe not even successfully at first, but I never let the first road bump or even a Berlin Wall stop me.

Right now feels more like a Berlin Wall, I must admit.  Fortunately there's only one watch tower, and only one soldier who can shoot me down.  That one soldier happens to be one and the same as I, meaning only I can bring myself down, only I can cause the ultimate defeat.  I am my worst enemy and biggest defender.

This Bear Hunt means that I can't just go over this Berlin Wall, I must go through it.  I must demolish it, leave nothing left but dust particles.