Rage

I teeter on the brink of rage almost constantly now. I’m not that person. I want to move on. I want to shove all of this away and finally feel peace. At work I maintain my composure, but by the time the week comes to an end and I’m home to another empty weekend my fuse is short. I’m that person that puts her babies to bed a half hour early for the sake of sanity. I wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone!

The many times that people told me I deserved better, that no one deserves the way things were between him and I, I would jump to his defense, I’d make up excuses for him, I’d lie to them and myself. I remember one person in particular telling me that I shouldn’t put up with it, I should just leave and do what’s best for my children, my instant response was “I can’t do this alone, I don’t want to do this alone, I don’t want to raise two kids on my own…one is one thing, but two?” they then pointed out the number of children I take care of every day; that isn’t the same, not even close. The children I care for I love like my own, but I also love their families, sure some of their families would drive me up the wall, but really I loved them and had hopes and dreams for them just as I would anyone else I care for. All of those children would go home to their families. At the time I couldn’t imagine going home to caring for two children on my own, I had seen many other women struggle with exactly that. This particular person advising me was a single mother of two, an above average woman because she adopted the two children, took on each child already single, knowing from the get go the struggles ahead. There lies the difference between her and I. She had the mindset to begin with of being a single mother (not to mention the financial stability), I however had the mindset of being married to the father of my children, and although I wouldn’t get any emotional support, at least there would be financial support and a parent to help buffer difficult parenting struggles.

I’m trying to let go of it…let go of the future I thought I would have. To let go of that future I need to have some sort of idea on how I’m going to handle my current future. As it currently stands I’m in a ditch, and to get out I need to make some seriously big changes. Things have got to change financially in order for me to raise two children on my own…I just haven’t the faintest idea on how I’m going to do so. Right now after all the bills are paid I’m left with $250 a month to spend on groceries, diapers, wipes, etc…any extra expenditure requires me to not eat to save money. Which I do. Routinely, because bills must be paid…none of them can be skipped...and there’s always extra expenditures. I’m at bare minimum already. Which is really where the rage originates. Stupid money. There’s nothing I can do about it as things currently stand because getting a second job would require me to have a babysitter for my children, which would cost money, which would then defeat the purpose of having the second job in the first place. My moral compass barely holds strong enough to prevent me from stealing. I now understand the feeling that drives a person to commit crimes and thieve for necessity. Back when the iPad from work was stolen and I had to come up with the funds to replace it I seriously contemplated doing something illegal…but instead cut my food intake in half and sold some valuables that although priceless to me, still had a price. I sure hope that the person that stole the iPad in the first place had a higher need for the monetary value of it than I…I hope it wasn’t just so they could score some easy cash for drugs.

One day it will get better. I will make it better. I will find a way. I’ve just gotta follow through with a current plan and go from there. There’s a boatload of unanswered questions, but as long as I don’t fret too much about them, they don’t weigh me down so much. My plate is overflowing, but I still have the choice to take one bite at a time…no harm in eating it cold in the future. Or maybe I will find a dog I can feed it to under the table.

“What counts most in human existence is the dignity and courage with which a person conducts himself in the process of being destroyed by life and the world.” -Hemmingway