I hate you. I hate you because I can't wish you dead because that would hurt my son too much. I hate you because I find myself missing the life I was planning to have. The life that involved having someone who could be there for me when I needed them the most. I hate you because I'm sitting here crying over you when you treated me like shit. I hate you because my kids deserve better. I hate you because you didn't include me in your decision to end our marriage. I hate you because you're an asshole who couldn't even take a damn picture of me with my baby after she was born because you're a moron who has no clue why that would be important. I hate you because you're so fucking selfish it's unreal. I hate you because you think you can show up at my place whenever you damn well please. I hate you because you're oblivious to the fact that my son can't count on you, you tell him you always pick him up when you tell him you'll pick him up, but what you're forgetting are the times you told him you would pick him up but didn't! I hate you because I didn't see it coming when I should have after giving you a new phone I had saved up for over two months time for Valentine's day, which you promptly locked, then didn't give me anything...I should have known then. I hate you because you're being supportive to HER. HER! I hate HER. I hate HER because she knew before me that you wanted a divorce. I hate HER because she thinks so highly of you when you're a total piece of fucking shit.
One day you'll hate yourself the way I hate you now. I won't always hate you. One day I will be enough for my children. One day I will be able to give them all that they need without you. One day you will wonder what the fuck you were thinking leaving us. One day you'll regret this. One day you'll realize that putting new clothes on your own back when your children are outgrowing theirs is selfish. One day you will realize the sacrifices I made, because you won't find another woman willing to drive that damn commute so that you can avoid fucking traffic as you live happily in a sub par life in this small ass town. One day you'll realize that choosing to hang out with HER and your friends was a waste of your time because while you were busy making them your priority I was busy consoling a 5 year old with disappointment from his father not picking him up from school like he said he would.
Our daughter was 6 weeks when you told me you wanted a divorce, in the midst of my having a mental breakdown from trying to recover from child birth, trying to keep up with house work, coping with endless nights of screaming from a colic infant for three weeks prior while you slept soundly in our bed with me on the couch so we wouldn't fucking wake you from your precious sleep regardless of whether or not you worked the next day which you only did for 4 out of the 7 day's so the least you could have fucking done was help me! 6 WEEKS!! Do you realize what that means for her?? That means when she is old enough to do math and know how short of a time span that is she's going to blame her own existence for her parents divorce. Thank God she has me to set her thoughts at ease and talk to her about it because you're too emotionally illiterate to even comprehend how another person feels because your life has been nothing but joy and the second it wasn't joyful for you you fucking bailed.
Even your family thinks you're an asshole.
I wonder what your dad would think of you. What do you think?
How does it feel to know that another man who is like family but isn't technically related to me is responsible for the roof over your children's heads? That it is out of the extreme kindness in another's heart that your children sleep warmly every night and play with plenty of room each day.
One of the reasons I fell in love with you and wanted to spend my life with you was because you wanted to be a stay at home dad one day, which I thought meant you would love your kids, enjoy spending quality time with them, and support my desire to become educated enough to obtain a job financially allowing you to stay home....I didn't know what that really meant was you want to stay home, play video games, eat copious amounts of junk food and expect the children to fend for themselves.
I'll be smarter if there's a next time for me, I'll make sure to ask more questions, because I should have asked how you picture the life of a stay at home dad being and how it would be made possible. I was a fool for loving you.
But life can only get better from here. It will be better for all of us without you.
I won't make the same mistake again.
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