Year Past

I started this blog as a New Years resolution a few years ago.  Here I am, another year done.
Last year pretty much sucked.  Aside from all the shitty things that happened, there were a lot of positives.  And really, I could easily look at many of the shitty things as being positives.
So here's my positive spin on all the shitty things that happened this year.

Delilah couldn't breastfeed without causing me severe pain, and made her cry...which sucked, but thankfully my awesome sis-in-law gave me her breast pump so I was a total rock star and exclusively pumped for 6 months.

I developed mastitis, which is a breast infection that makes you feel like you were thrown from a 2 story building...sucked...but because I couldn't do anything beyond care for Delilah and pump, Colbert learned how to make peanut butter jelly sandwiches, and he was super proud of himself.

When on maternity leave I couldn't take Colbert to school every day, which sucked because normally that was our special time together to talk, sing, be silly, use our imaginations for the 45 min drive there then talk about what happened at school for the 45 minutes back...but thankfully one of my coworkers was extremely sweet and drove him to school and my amazing step dad was able to pick him up from school.

Just a couple weeks into my maternity leave I found out my co-teacher was quitting.  Leaving my kids at work with two teachers that they didn't know.  And their parents asked me constantly when I was coming back...which was sad...but I got a new co-teacher who use to be a student staff in my classroom, and she's incredible and it made me realize how much the parents loved me and how much the children really do rely on me.

Delilah had colic.  Colic. Is. Hell.  I seriously contemplated having my tubes tied.  I thought for sure there was no way I could possibly have another child, ever.  She cried inconsolably, for hours, every night, for months.  Hell. On. Earth!  Then on top of it I was sleeping on the couch so as to not disturb my "roommate" with the crying or the pumping.  However being up late at night every day was great for watching plenty of TV shows on Netflix.  I got to watch all of One Tree Hill and bond with my brother, who was obsessed with the show.

Hooking my boobs up to a pump for 20 minutes 8 times a day, sometimes more, well that sucked, but I found this awesome support group on Facebook for mother's in the same shoes as me.  Which is where I found out about Delilah's upper lip tie, because another mom posted a picture of her baby explaining that's why she couldn't breastfeed.

So then Delilah needed surgery, which sucked, but I got to go down to Vegas for my nieces baptism, have Delilah blessed by my brother, and then road tripped to Cali with one of my closest friends who my brother was genius enough to marry back in 2005.  Delilah had her surgery, it lasted only 2 minutes, and she then became a completely different baby.  A happy baby.

Delilah was allergic to everything, or so it seemed, and I couldn't eat anything...but I lost all of my baby weight, and thankfully we found a formula that she could take.

Unfortunately the formula costs 50 bucks a can, and then I found out Delilah didn't have insurance, which really really sucked, so we had been racking up debt from all her shots and doctor visits, only paying the copay we thought was necessary...but the doctor's office is awesome and talked to the Enfamil formula sales rep and we were able to get some free formula for her to see if it worked.  And it did, which was awesome, so I was able to stop pumping and finally eat again!

Making the final decision to stop pumping, to let go of my dream of providing breastmilk for my baby until age one, was painful and heartbreaking...but I got to end my insane diet in the best of ways while at one of my best friend's family's barbeque in beautiful Bishop, California.  Which was the best weekend of 2013.

I found out the hard way that my husband had feelings for another woman, pounding on her front door with my fist clenched, leaving it bruised and difficult to use the next day.  Which sucked.  But you know what's awesome? It ended a marriage that had no right existing, because I got treated like shit, and I deserve better.  So really I should make some cookies for the woman and thank the princess.

Because my marriage ended, I became a single mom, which is a nightmare on finances, but it qualified my baby for WIC so that she could get the formula that she needed that would have been impossible for me to afford since it would have taken half my income.  And being a single mom is way more awesome than being a single mom living with a man who is supposed to be your husband but doesn't act like it.

One of my dearest friends found out that she would be deployed, which is scary, and she had to have her daughter go live with grandma and grandpa because it would interfere with her first year in elementary school...and it's heartbreaking to know she has to be thousands of miles away from her daughter...but it means I get to spend time with my god daughter.  I got to take her and my two amazing children to the hot air balloon races, and we even made it to dawn patrol, which had been my goal for years but never quite made it.  I felt so proud of myself for doing it all on my own.  There was a moment of silence as an air formation flew over, with one jet drifting from the group to represent remembering those who have served and died for our country, which made me cry as I explained the purpose of it to my son and god daughter, explaining to her that people like her mom work hard to serve our country so we can keep our freedom.

Not having a place to live, well that was an epic frustration, but fortunately my step dad has an awesome friend who has a vacant home that he was enormously kind to allow me to live in until I figure out the next step.  A house that had become vacant due to his tremendously unfortunate circumstances, but I hope he knows how much it means to me.

Then I had to move, myself and my kids across town and I hate moving, it had been less than a year since I had moved last, I have moved 8 times in the past 8 years.  I hate it.  But some coworkers were very helpful and got me moved in one weekend, and my ever so awesome sis in law bought pizza for us even though she lives a state away.

Living in someone else's house, not knowing where I will live next, not being able to tell my son how long we will live here, not seeing a positive end in sight...well that sucked.  Skipping meals daily so I can feed my children, well that sucks.  Looking back on my life constantly wondering what I was thinking, knowing the turmoil I face is all my fault because of the poor choices I made, well that sucked.  That sucked so badly that I just got even more depressed.  Which extra sucked.  Then things got worse, I felt completely alone, so much worse that when my birthday came I felt like my world was ending...which hurts like hell now to even admit...because on my birthday my coworkers surprised me with amazing gifts, flowers, a gift card to a store to buy clothes because my co-teacher knows I haven't bought any in 3 years, and cake.  Which made me realize I wasn't so alone, that someone beyond those under mandatory requirement, actually cared.  Which became a turning point in the year, and things got a lot better.

Sort of.

Then I missed my best friend's wedding.  Which tore me to pieces, and I still cry about it probably once a week if not more.  And well, I haven't figured out a way to spin that shitty life occurrence into a positive.  So I'll leave that as the worst part of 2013.  Worse than feeling like I've been thrown from a 2 story building.  Worse than finding my husband at another woman's house.  Worse than planning my own death.  Worse than every horrible thing that happened in 2013 combined.

A couple days later an old friend posted on my page "If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden..." and it was such good timing when I was feeling so horrible, I can't thank her enough, I love you.

Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends, because he's an idiot and he said one of the most hurtful things...but it all turned out for the best once confusions were cleared up.

Halloween got to happen twice at work, first I was spider-girl (a repeat costume from two years prior) and then I was a Pirate Wench, which was the best looking costume I had worn in many many years.  Colbert was an awesome looking pirate, and Delilah was the cutest parrot.

Then November kind of came and went, with lots of anger involved, but whatever.  I got to spend Thanksgiving in Vegas, and although the drive is long and boring, it was spiced up by having a co-worker carpool with me, made the trip ten times more bearable, and I am so thankful she joined.  While in Vegas I got to experience one of the coolest, and one of the most personal things in my opinion, feeling my niece and nephew kicking inside my sis's belly.  She became the third preggo belly I've ever felt, and the 4th & 5th babies I've felt kick in utero. 

Then the anniversary of Sammantha's death came and went, I didn't mourn this year like I always have in the past, quite possibly because my own emotional turmoil has overshadowed my past turmoil...which is awful...but hopefully it means I'm beginning to really move on from her death.  I still talk about her often.  It's funny the number of times she comes up in conversation or thought.

Then December flew by.  Christmas arrived.  Colbert got exactly what he wanted, and left him not knowing what he could possibly ask Santa for next year.  Delilah got her first baby doll, which she absolutely adores, gives kisses, and feeds a bottle to.  I got a pink Swiffer sweeper, which is exactly what I asked Santa for, she...I mean he, ehem...is quite the mind reader, now I don't have to wash the floors Cinderella style with a bucket and washrag.

And while all of this was happening I had a few good friends and family whom I love, getting me through it all.  Giving me hugs in the kitchen at work when I burst into tears.  Talking me off ledges and trying ever so hard to convince me that life is worth living.  Feeding me when I need it most.  Sending messages to let me know they care.  There's a lot that happened last year that I am forever grateful for, and even the bad things that happened had a positive ripple effect.