"Girls who are raped are asking for it."
That is what he said.
He who I once had a great deal of respect for, someone I looked at and thought "man," but now think "young naive boy." At first I thought he was joking. The conversation that led to this statement was a discussion about how much younger girls are dressing more and more provocatively as if they are going to the club instead of middle school. Shocked, I asked for clarification, and he affirmed that girls are asking for it when they are raped. I was startled by such a statement. It opened the door to my own naive thinking, that an educated and intelligent person such as himself could possibly think something so generalized and atrocious. I stared at him, said "Really? You really think that?" My mind raced to think that people think this statement to be true. That a woman who is raped is asking for it, ever, whether it be by what she wears or some delusion of body language a man thinks she is portraying.
No. No woman asks to be raped. Period.
That's why it's rape.
Rape has nothing to do with what a woman wears. It is all about the rapist and how he feels, how he feels entitled to something that is not his to have. Frankly it's terrifying to think that men and probably even women think that rape has something to do with what the victim did to bring it on.I found myself wishing I had a line up of all the outfits women were wearing when they were raped, something tangible to throw in this person's face to get them to realize how truly wrong their thinking is, wrong as in erroneous as well as morally wrong. But I didn't have that, all I had was my own thoughts, my own heart racing, my own debate as to whether or not I should open up and take the conversation a step further with someone who clearly lacks education on the subject. I did, I opened up. I explained that as someone who has survived rape myself I know for a fact that it has nothing to do with what a woman is wearing, nothing, because I was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a coat, and tennis-shoes. Upon hearing this factoid of information, he further spilled his unfortunate way of thinking:
"Well clearly you're an exception."
No....no no no no NO. No. I. Am. not.
Neither was any other woman who has gone through such a living nightmare. I attempted to educate him further on the matter. Trying so desperately to open his eyes to something he clearly did not see. All with my own understanding that there is no way for me to know if he himself has raped someone, for all I know with that thought process he may very well have, thinking she was asking for it. How unfortunate for him. My anger towards him turned to pity. He suddenly looked pitiful to me, pathetic. I already began to look at men entirely different after my own survival of rape, and was yet again reminded of this sad world we live in. There's no scarlet letters for rapists, there's no way to know if the man you are currently trusting is trust worthy until they rise to the occasion or break that trust. As women we are taught at a young age to look for signs, signals, red flags, avoid opportunities, yet still somewhere along the lines of 1 in every 6 women in the US has been raped. Even a woman such as myself, meaning a non-reckless behaving individual, can take every precautionary measure imaginable and still find oneself in a horrifying situation.
What baffles me most is that this was a debate that I even encountered. A debate as to whether or not a woman is asking for it when raped. There is something missing in our society, education for the male counterparts. There is plenty of opportunity for women to take self defense courses, education on how to keep yourself safe, but why aren't we putting any efforts into preventing the "she asked for it" mentality? How does a boy grow up with this idea when rape by definition is specifically based on NOT wanting it. As far as my recollection goes the only education I know boys receiving on this matter is the saying "No means no."
Which leads me to my own pondering of how do I raise my son to not be a rapist. The only rapist I know was raised in a seemingly healthy family, was close with his mother, had great respect for his sisters and was very close to them. I say was because as his actions and his karma would have it he is dead. I once sat across from his entire family having what seemed to be a bit of a reunion at a diner as they talked highly of him, discussing how wonderful he was, how loving he was, how he was a great father, a great brother, a great son...how does that happen? How can someone so "great" do something so disgustingly despicable? To leave behind a mourning family asking why him, with me sitting there thinking "of all people why not him?" What caught my attention the most was how his mother spoke of him, describing him exactly as I would hope to describe my own son one day...how does that happen?? I'll never know, my only hope is that they were doing as many do when talking of the deceased, speaking only positively, that hopefully deep down inside of them they knew of his ill living ways. As a mother I suppose I can only do the best that I possibly can and leave the rest up to God, to karma, the universe, or powers that be, because ultimately it isn't I who has the choice or the say-so.
What baffles me most is that this was a debate that I even encountered. A debate as to whether or not a woman is asking for it when raped. There is something missing in our society, education for the male counterparts. There is plenty of opportunity for women to take self defense courses, education on how to keep yourself safe, but why aren't we putting any efforts into preventing the "she asked for it" mentality? How does a boy grow up with this idea when rape by definition is specifically based on NOT wanting it. As far as my recollection goes the only education I know boys receiving on this matter is the saying "No means no."
Which leads me to my own pondering of how do I raise my son to not be a rapist. The only rapist I know was raised in a seemingly healthy family, was close with his mother, had great respect for his sisters and was very close to them. I say was because as his actions and his karma would have it he is dead. I once sat across from his entire family having what seemed to be a bit of a reunion at a diner as they talked highly of him, discussing how wonderful he was, how loving he was, how he was a great father, a great brother, a great son...how does that happen? How can someone so "great" do something so disgustingly despicable? To leave behind a mourning family asking why him, with me sitting there thinking "of all people why not him?" What caught my attention the most was how his mother spoke of him, describing him exactly as I would hope to describe my own son one day...how does that happen?? I'll never know, my only hope is that they were doing as many do when talking of the deceased, speaking only positively, that hopefully deep down inside of them they knew of his ill living ways. As a mother I suppose I can only do the best that I possibly can and leave the rest up to God, to karma, the universe, or powers that be, because ultimately it isn't I who has the choice or the say-so.
One thing is for sure,
no son or daughter of mine will grow up thinking:
"Girls who are raped are asking for it."
1 comments:
EWWW Can I just tell you how pissed off I am after reading this. That is awful that there are men that really think that way. I know what you mean though. I am constantly questioning if I am providing my son with enough understanding and respect for women to last throughout his life.
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