Snap

"We accept the love we think we deserve."- Stephen Chbosky

How strangely true that quote is.  I suppose that explains why I allow the people in my life to treat me the way that they do.  I'm sure a therapist would say I need to work more on setting boundaries, however I already have very few people in my life, if I were to set more boundaries I'd be left with even less.

Right now as I currently face the idea of being a single parent of two I'm terrified to ever bother finding someone else to be with. My track record (with the exception of one) shows I clearly lack the ability to allow myself to be loved by someone good for me, I accept the love I think I deserve, which when I reflect upon the love I currently receive I must think I deserve shit.

I've become so angry these past three weeks I feel like I'm going to snap.  My overall patience level with life is low...which in comparison to the average person is still high, but it's just making me feel even worse about things. I'm also extra sensitive.  The other day a friend made a comment that normally I could just look past, but instead it hurt like hell and I ended up crying for hours then arriving to work with blood shot eyes telling everyone who asked if I was ok that it was probably just lack of sleep.

About a week ago I was confiding in a friend, saying "There must be a reason why God is making all of this so hard for me..." to which she responded "Pray about it. Maybe he's making things better but you can't see it yet."  Which was excellent advice.  I know that the recent events can potentially lead to more positive things in my life, especially in the long run, but I'm just sort of stuck in this rut of a shitty outlook on life.  I'm just scared and feeling alone in the world.  I know I'm not alone, logically I can pick up a phone and call a variety of people, I just feel too weighed down to pick up the phone.

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything.  Fortunately I was able to kick my own butt enough to go to sushi the other day with a friend, which was so incredibly needed, best night I've had in a long time, finally felt like a human again.  Amazing what good company and good food can do for the soul.

I miss my friends. I can't count the number of times I've gone to call them lately and convinced myself I shouldn't because it's too late, or too early, or I don't want to wake up Delilah, or whatever other excuse I come up with...so then I don't.  I miss Vanessa so much it's childish, we spent 2 years seeing each other every day for nearly 8 hours a day then still hanging out on some weekends, it's hard to find someone you never get sick of.  I miss Sandra a great deal and just want to run away to Seattle to drive around and talk like we use to and she can give me insight that no one else can.  I miss Megan and her bitchy attitude towards life where she backs me up no matter what.  I miss my sisters, Heather because I feel like she would have so much wisdom to shed on my life right now, and Charlotte because we can spend hours and hours talking with complete honesty and know we can't offend the other.  I miss Samm...I talk to her more than anyone, like a crazy person does, just in the middle of the night when I've got tears streaming down my face because she was for the longest time the only person I let see my tears, and you can talk to someone who has died with tears and they still understand you if you're a blubbering idiot.

I'm able to find such great girlfriends, why do I settle for so much less elsewhere and prevent anything more?

A huge part of me wishes I could just make decisions right now and skip to August.