Bear Hunt

During a conversation with a close friend I was giving her advice on her dating debacle. After a variety of advice, I told her "Just remember, no matter how great or how crummy the experience...it's something to learn from.  Even with something as horrific as what I went through, I still learned something."  My friend was kind enough to ask me what I learned from my experience.  And you know what? I learned...

I learned that people are unpredictable, I can take all the precautions I want, but I can never have total control of my surroundings, I can only control me and my reactions. What happened was previously one of my biggest fears...then it happened, and I survived.  I'm stronger than I imagined myself to be.  Prior to this occurrence, when I imagined how I would react if faced with it, I remember saying that I'd want to be killed, because I couldn't imagine being able to truly live again after.  But when it happened, all I could think about were all of the things worth living for.

I went into survival mode.  I learned about a new part of me, a part I never knew existed.

I beat myself up for months thinking that I hadn't listened to myself that night, that it was my fault, that there must have been something I could have done to prevent it, but I was wrong, I did listen to myself.  I had more thoughts of my own that I listened to that night than I encounter in an entire week.  It's because I listened to myself that I came out with my nose above water.

I think I've finally stopped thinking it was my fault, it's a similar feeling to forgiveness...but I didn't do anything that merited forgiveness, so I suppose what I'm really trying to get at is acceptance.

At any rate, the bear hunt continues.