Best List

I came across this today and thought I'd share it. This is the best list I've found that explains what qualities a parent should possess to be the best parent they can be. It's definitely the magic behind my methods.

There are 10 competencies that predict good parenting outcomes, asserts researcher Robert Epstein in Scientific American Mind (November 2010). These 10, listed in order from most to least important, predict a strong parent-child bond and children's happiness, health, and success:

1. Love and affection.
"You support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together."

I couldn't agree more, whenever asked what is the most important thing a parent can do...I always say "Love 'em, hug 'em, kiss 'em, every single day." And truly being there for your child. You can spend an entire day with your child and not be truly there, technology steals away from our children often, text messaging is such an easy method of communication and we feel like it doesn't interrupt our day, but it breaks the attention away from your child even more. At least if they hear you on the phone they get to learn from a form of social interaction.

2. Stress management.
"You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques, and promote positive interpretations of events."

You cannot raise a child to have healthy stress management unless you yourself have the skill. Learning how to give yourself a time out at the same time as being there for your child is a juggle. I've found that if I sit down and start to play with my son's toys, with his legos or train tracks, not necessarily with him, it helps me calm down. At work I often get the playdough out to calm myself with the kids. It's those little tricks that work for me.

3. Relationship skills.
"You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other, or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with others."

When Roger and I separated this was a HUGE deal. Making sure that we could maintain a model of behavior that our son could still learn from. I've seen far too many divorced parents that can't even stomach being in the same room as one another for the sake of their child, and I don't think they fully realize the message they send when they act that way.

4. Autonomy and independence.
"You treat your child with respect and encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant."

Respect your child and your child will respect you. There's a child on Bear's t-ball team and he mouths off to his mom, he cries during every practice and game, and I know the core reason is the lack of respect his mom has for him. Saying "Shit dude, hurry up, stop walking so slow" (out of the mouth of previously mentioned mother) to your 3 year old then wondering why your child whines or back talks is greatly due to lack of competency of the parent. My child whines the most when I forget to take a step back and remember to have realistic expectations of him.

5. Education and learning.
"You promote and model learning and provide educational opportunities for your child."

As I continue working on my education I know that my child will understand the importance of college. Maybe it's because I saw my mother and step father going through school when I was young that it was just assumed I'd go to college after high school. I never felt like college was an option, it was an expectation. I value education greatly, which is why I make sure to have my child in the best school I can possibly have him in, and his school isn't the best simply because it's amongst the top 10 in the nation, it's the best because it suits his learning style.

6. Life skills.
"You provide for your child, have a steady income, and plan for the future."

I think that even when there's financial struggle, the child still learns from that. It is certainly ideal to have a steady income, but in this economy that isn't exactly an option for everyone, and that doesn't mean every child is doomed. Just means the parent has to work harder to portray to the child that despite the hardships, everything turns out alright. Teaching them to enjoy the simpler things in life.

7. Behavior management.
"You make extensive use of positive reinforcement and punish only when other methods of managing behavior have failed."

Best way of putting it, ever. Extensive use of positive reinforcement is very hard to do, but the results are way more worth it. The times that I have slipped up on this method and have forgotten to focus on what my son can learn from a misbehavior and skip to a punishment, it's ultimately me who gets punished, because it just happens again. Punishments do not teach and should be used as a last resort. While at the house of my friend, Bear got too excited about a pen he got out of a cereal box and drew on the nearest wall to him. I kept my cool and was firmly angry with him, had him wash the wall himself, tried to get him to understand how it made my friend feel when he drew on their wall, but it just wasn't clicking in his head. Probably due to lack of sleep. He still had a smile on his face and I could tell he didn't feel remorse for what he had done, so that was when I went into punishment mode. He no longer got to have the pen, I told him he could not have it until the next morning with paper to draw on. Then he realized he had done wrong, then he cried and understood that it wasn't OK to draw on the wall. I never once raised my voice or belittled him. When he said sorry he received the usual response I give him "You do not get to say sorry for things you do on purpose." It's a rule in our house that we do not say sorry for things we intentionally do and we don't say sorry for things other people do. Example: a friend at school hurt Bear, I can't tell him "I'm sorry that happened," because it's not my fault and really I shouldn't feel sorry, instead I can affirm his feelings by saying "That wasn't nice of them to hit you, it's never ok to hurt your friends. If he hits a friend at school he shouldn't say sorry because saying sorry doesn't excuse an intentional behavior, too many children resort to saying "sorry" the second they do something wrong as if that fixes it. I also tell him "Sorry means you're not going to do it again," because saying sorry should lead to correction of ones behavior.

8. Health.
"You model a healthy lifestyle and good habits, such as regular exercise and proper nutrition."

I admit, this is my weak point. I kind of suck at this. I'm happy to see it so low on the list, haha. I do eat healthier now that I have my son, since I want him to be healthy. I'm not a fan of exercise, I get plenty at work, so it's something I need to work on exposing Bear to at home.

9. Religion.
"You support spiritual or religious development and participate in spiritual or religious activities."

Roger and I both agreed before we got married that we would raise our children through example of good morals. We both agree that religion can be instilled later, instead of shoved down his throat. We both believe that there is a higher power than ourselves, and have agreed that the day that Bear asks "Is there a God?" we can express to him that we think there is, but further the conversation to ask him if he thinks there is. We feel that he will be more spiritually balanced if he seeks his own path instead of one that we choose for him. I know many other families function very differently from ours, and I think that's beautiful. I hope that I can teach my child to be as open minded and respectful towards other religions as I feel I am. Out of respect to my family I had Colbert blessed (a LDS ritual) as an infant. Out of respect to one of my close friends, Bear and I attended her son's Bar Mitzvah. Things like that will create the values I want him to have.

10. Safety.
"You take precautions to protect your child and maintain awareness of the child's activities and friends."

I am surprised with how low on the list safety is, but I'm thrilled. I agree that everything listed prior to is of higher priority, and I think if all of the previous things listed are done then safety kind of goes hand in hand with them all. I haven't devised yet the plan for when my son becomes an adolescent and his activities have to be more closely monitored, but his safety will be what drives my plan, instead of sheltering him, being overbearing, or simply trying to suffice my own curiosities about his life. I think that having the element of mutual respect will make this fall in to place more easily.